Unwanted advice, insights and general smugness

Babies are easy talking points for many people. Friends, acquaintances, family and strangers can all find something to say or ask, when you are carting a TH around. This post is tricky to write as nearly everything is said with good intentions and it seems unfair to be rude. That said, when I declared my intentions to cover the subject matter, I was inundated with requests as to what to include. It seems that mothers and fathers everywhere are bored to tears with repetative questioning, strange questioning and unwanted advice. So as not causing offense has never been my strong point and my audience has requested it, here we go…

1) Pre birth: enjoy “it” now, you won’t be able to do that once the baby comes.

“It” usually meaning sleep or going out, to a lesser extent looking after your appearance and occasionally revolving around taking a shower (note these are not exhaustive “it” options.) Please can we calm down on the filling parents-to-be with the impending sense of doom? None of us venture this path thinking our lives will carry on like before but this precursor is taking the fun out of the change. There’s stuff I used to enjoy that I can’t relish in anymore and I do sometimes mourn for my old life (mainly drinking lots) but there’s a a whole new range of things I can enjoy! Also: Sleep? Honestly, I get more of it than when I was working full time. Appearance? Piling on the slap is part of TH’s morning routine (he loves the brushes and my vlogger style commentary on what I’m plastering on.) Shower? It’s all a bit Freudian, loves watching…that or trying to eat loo roll! Going out? I come home earlier and pour a lot less pinot down my neck.

2) Pre birth: do you miss alcohol? You won’t even be bothered about it after. Is Mr Gobshite drinking less?

FUCK YES. LIES. NO (in fact he drunk more expensive beer since the rounds were so cheap.)

3) Mostly pre birth: You’ll wonder what you did with your life before.

Let me think about that: left home, gained an education, employed in a variety of trades, went to uni again, began my career, travelled solo, travelled with friends, formed relationships with friends, dated unsuitable men, dated decent men, dated exciting men, enjoyed single life, went dancing every weekend, ate in fabulous restaurants, stayed up until the early hours listening to music too loud, lived with strangers who became friends, read more novels than I can remember, met my husband, travelled together, bought a home, learnt to love red wine, developed my fashion sense, indulged in expensive haircuts, honed a bangin’ body (I had abs for christs sake), spent time with family….WONDER WHAT I DID WITH MY LIFE? I chuffing lived it mate and made some fantastic memories. Now, I’ll carry on living it and making new ones.

4) Around due date: is the baby here yet? Have you tried…?

Listen here: if you have to ask, via Facebook, if the babies here yet. We obviously aren’t that close. A social media whore (me) will post it the minute its out her fanny. If someone is more private and you’re not in the inner circle, suck it up, you’ll find out on the grapevine.
Have you tried…? Basically guaranteed to make any pregnant woman, particularly the overdue ones, want to turn a bit stabby. FYI: don’t do what I did and try and eat the curry once labour starts (I was scared of not being allowed to eat in hospital.) Your body is designed to “cleanse” itself at this point…out both ends. Comprende?

5) Pretty much the second you have the baby: when are you having another?

I still cannot get over how often I am asked this. It’s such a presumptious and offensive question, especially when asked by strangers. Strangers who know nothing of the individuals journey to the one in front of them. Strangers who still carry on insisting “ohhhh you can’t just have one, it’s not fair on them!” What about what’s fair on my body? My financial situation? My relationship situation? What if this one destroyed my relationship? What about if this was a rainbow baby? What if this was a miracle baby? What about if this one was an accident? What about if I can’t have any more IVF? What about if I had PND and am terrified? What if one’s just so much bloody hard work I can’t be arsed with another? Sssssshhhhhhhhh, stop asking.
Besides all this, why is it so unbelievable that some people just want one child? There appears to be an ongoing narrative that there’s something wrong with one child families, sort of an inverse China!

6) Post birth: are you enjoying it?

Really, can parenting a new baby be reduced to a closed question? Looking at the whole picture, as in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week etc etc…no, no I’m not. Please don’t think I mean I hate it, “enjoy” is just the wrong word to describe the overall experience. There’s too much happening to “enjoy” consistently. For me there are moments of overwhelming joy, nearly every day, so much so I could burst with happiness. But then there is daily frustration, boredom and worry. There are days when I’m so done with mothering I practically throw TH at Mr Gobshite when he gets home and run away. My days are long but fulfilling and I couldn’t say I “enjoy” them all.
As with many off hand questions aimed at new parents, it also shows very little consideration regarding PND. People may be smiling and well presented but it doesn’t mean they are not struggling on the inside. At the risk of sounding like the teacher I am, maybe a more open ended question would be better.

7) Post birth: is he good?

I don’t know what this question means. I think people mean sleep when they ask this but I’m not sure. I don’t even know what to write about this as it confuses me so much and people ask it all the time! Any help appreciated.

8) Post birth: you’ve got all this to come.

Basically “just you wait” in another disguise. Sneaky sneaky. Often said by parents who’s kids are currently being shitty, whilst trying to vaguely reprimand them but failing miserably.

As seems to be style, I’m abruptly done here. Maybe it can be my signature move? Neat conclusions are for people with too much time on their hands, I’m just trying to bash this out and enjoy my alone/adult time before TH wakes again! As always I hope you’ve enjoyed reading, or if you’ve not, that I was at least interesting enough to hold your attention to the end and bitch about after!